No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I put the hot in psychotic.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living