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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.