Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.