Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Watson was Holmes schooled
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.