I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.