Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You Might Also Like
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner