I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.