*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You Might Also Like
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
new year update: losing everything but weight
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.