My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Poetry is my passion
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album