Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.