“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law