Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
You Might Also Like
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response