ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.