FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.