chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
You Might Also Like
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?