Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
🙅🏻
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Mornin
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.