[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“You’d better run, egg!”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)