I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
You Might Also Like
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.