The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Sponch
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Childbirth is so beautiful
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.