I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined