DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
You Might Also Like
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.