Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
This raises questions
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.