I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This meal prepping shit easy