I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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I’d … I’d rather not.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
drew a comic about my origin story
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot