Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Had an epiphany today.