My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.