Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.