Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?