ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.