Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.