Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty