I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.