Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
This rocks
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Canadian owl: Eh?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”