Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The best plant holders?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG