A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
plums roundup
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered