Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Feel. He’s so soft.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.