Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
There is no “we” in pizza
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”