I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I can’t wait!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*