Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”