The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
and now we wait
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!