Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now