Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
ouch
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I found your tweet-up…
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”