Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
me when i see my girls butt
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
my first dose meeting my second
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
These 3D printers are insane!
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Husband of the year 😂
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.