PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
You Might Also Like
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go