ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no