Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.