Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
we’re dead?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.