Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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Dolls on drugs
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Who called it baking and not making love
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Essential viewing in these troubled times.