Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Well well well…
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.