[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?